new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
