totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
