i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
