giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
