super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
well you can't waste a boner
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
