I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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