WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
