benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
