I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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