Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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