a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got her a Nickelback box set.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I am one with the molecules
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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