Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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