i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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