he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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