My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
