Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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