maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
