I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
