And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
