I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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