I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
