I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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