moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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