We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
