2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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