I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
