Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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