if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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