Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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