FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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