You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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