I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
