How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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