remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
