My sheets look like a crime scene.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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