He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
