Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
