I wish I could punch you in the face.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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