Duck Duck Cougar?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
