I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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