my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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