The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
