just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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