I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
