I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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