wrigley field is MILF paradise
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
