Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
