Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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