It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
