dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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